DEAD LEAF

 I was walking and I saw a dead leaf on the ground

and it's red

it's dead but it's beautiful.

it made me think about Dylan and I.

how we might be beyond repair right now

but I want this to serve as as symbol that God

can give me beautiful things, God does give me

beautiful things and God will give me beautiful things

more chances and opportunities

I will be wiser; I'll be wise enough to take the

opportunity next time.

this lesson has taught me so much.

to grow up.

to grow up and take responsibility of another persons heart

I have learned that.  

DYLAN

 Dylan

I'm watching Titanic

And as it's sinking, Mr. Andrews, the ships artichect,

apologizes to Jack & Rose.

He apologizes for not making a 

stronger ship.

But the ship was already strong.

 It was just misdirected.

By ego.

By fear. 

Just outside, a truck accidentally capsizes his load.

No one's hurt. There's about five men standing around, shocked,

delegating what to do under the Texas sun.

I immediately get waters to take out to them.

But I stop at the door.

Frozen.

Paralyzed. 

I'm afraid.

I can't leave.

I can feel my grandmother's spirit urging me.

Begging me to be brave, to not be afraid to love. 

I'm afraid Dylan. 

I'm afraid to love

Afraid to love you.

Afraid to love you the right way. Because I know that involves being selfless.

And I'm afraid to admit that I'm

selfish. Needy. Insecure. Greedy. 

I create my own blockages that I can't overcome. 

I'm in my own way and even though I see you at the end of my journey

I can't bear the thought of you waiting in vain for me. 

I'm giving up because I'm weak. 

I'm not the man I thought I was. 

I'm not the king I thought I was. 

You are so sensitive my love. 

Your heart is a flower with delicate petals. 

I hope that I can be your protector and your provider.

But I'm still just a child within. 

Whose a slave to his own desires and vices. 

When I grow up, I don't want to be an astronaut.

Or a rockstar.

when I grow up, I want to take care of you.

And show you I'm worthy of your respect, time and love.

I want to fight for your love.

Fight for the love of your heart. 

Fight to make your dreams come true. 

I know you desire a family.

I want a family too.

When I grow up I want to be the man that give is to you. 

I just want you to be happy.

I just hope you're safe.

I want you to have amazing experiences. 

I want you to lighten up and quit being so serious lol :) xoxo

I love you Dylan. 

I just wish I know how to do it up close. 

CLOSE TO YOU

I think I'm falling in love with you.
When you kiss my lips and we whisper sweet words and promises to each other.
When I look into those twinkling eyes.
You're the strongest man I know. I know all the loss you've been through but baby you won't ever lose me.
You're so caring, you make everyone feel beautiful. That's what I love about you.

You make the world feel special.
Just the thought of losing you brings me to tears.
I respect your style.
I trust your love.
I melt into your words. I strive to be the best I can be just so you can stay close to me.
You inspire me to be a better person, a better lover, a better listener.

I love that you're patient and kind.
You always stay calm in the midst of it all.
No one hate you. Everyone adores you.
Never thought I'd live for someone else but her I am living for you love.

Don't ever cry.
Don't ever feel sad.
You're a joy to my life.
You're a light in my heart.
I'm so proud of you.
I love you more and more each day.
I know we're not perfect but fights don't matter to me cause
love always carries us through.

God gave you to me and thats why I praise him.
I give thanks to him for blessing me with you.
You are an angel
a beacon of hope that there is true love in the world.

You are the answer to my prayers.
I know I made mistakes.
I know I can be a fool.
Thank you for loving me anyway.

FEELINGS

These feelings I have for you are so deep. I can feel them boiling deep down inside of me. I love you. But its too soon to tell you. You gave me your body and I gave you mine. 

I'm afraid. Afraid that you won't love me the way I love you. Afraid I'm no more than someone you're dating. 

But I know that's not true. I know you need me in your life. I know you desire me. I'm so happy 

I don't do drugs anymore. My mind is changing, evolving and you're a witness to all of it. 

You're falling in love with who I really am. Maybe that's why no one ever loved me. Because drugs kept me from showing what's truly beneath me.

 Im so vulnerable when I'm with you and even worse when I'm without you. Ad yet I want to dive into you until I know for sure....

But maybe it isn't about trusting. Maybe love is a jump. umping into the dark abyss, with your arms open, face first, regardless of what's to come. 

After all, life is meant to be spent living, not dying. I love you Dan. I'm going to dive into your dark abyss. Because you told me to trust that you're not going to hurt me. 

Maybe I'm the beast you should be afraid of. Maybe you're the one to see what you're made of.